Alright, so during no year ever have I sat and reflected on my life, goals, accomplishments, etc. That usually happens throughout the year when I’m focused on a project, or feeling a little bit like I’m in the dumpster fire.
Guess what? Not gonna do it this year either. Instead I’m going to take all the resolutions off this Udemy blog and add “speshul” commentary.
Because, why not? Maybe someone else needs a good laugh today, too. 🙂
1. Finish a chap-stick
I don’t eat ChapStick. <== Psst... correct spelling.
2. Fill up your gas tank all the way
Nope, that’s my husband’s job. Might get run over for that comment.
3. Grow a plant
I have a whole garden growing right now. With cilantro! Yes, I said cilantro. You know who you are.
4. Separate your colors from your whites
My clothes won’t turn pink that way.
5. Don’t send a text to someone sitting in the next room…or the same room.
How about while they’re destroying the bathroom?
6. Try taking a selfie that looks like a picture of an actual person
That’s what Photoshop’s for.
7. Try coming up with a new creative excuse for playing hooky. “I’m getting sick” and “my Aunt died” are getting a little old and are totally transparent, dude.
I’m calling in well. I woke up happy and I’m feeling so good, I don’t want to ruin it by coming to work.
8. How about not making your New Year’s resolutions on a napkin at a bar on New Year’s Eve and then either losing it immediately or spilling your $8 cocktail all over it.
Creative briefs go on bar napkins too. And design notes. Who knew bar napkins were so handy?
9. Take a nap instead of doing work
So… the same thing as always? You’re on.
*one long nap later*
10. Case your house so you know how the robber will get in when they try.
Our neighbors across the street case it all the time. I’ll borrow their cliff notes.
11. Don’t do so much “foot cleaning”.
My dogs do the cleaning, not my feet.
12. Don’t let your dog, Barky, be your vacuum. You lazy, lazy human.
My dogs’ names are Hoover and ShopVac.
13. Don’t collect your hair on the wall of the shower, make it into an easy to clean up wad, and then throw it out after you’re done showering. Just once.
I call it art.
14. Don’t save your fortune cookie message like it’s going to guide you towards the light, or save you when you’re in the dumps.
How else is my handler going to run my life?
15. Depending on what stage you are in life: don’t puke and rally.
How about puking at a rally?
16. Don’t pick your nose in your car.
I’m more photogenic that way.
17. Don’t adopt a really cool new social media acronym.
How about a nerdy one?
18. Come up with a creative Halloween costume, no more provocative cats or dead people, please.
How about a French maid?
19. Don’t drunk dial, text, or Snapchat.
Twitter?
20. Don’t be convinced by that 2am infomercial.
Wait thirty more minutes and the dirty shows come on.
21. Be accepting.
I’m not a University.
22. Don’t stay home from work so you can watch the Law and Order: SVU marathon on USA.
^Someone’s trying to disguise this question as an advertisement.
23. Girls, don’t do the back-up fake emergency phone call when on a first date.
How about during sex?
24. Don’t stalk your favorite celebrity.
My neighbors across the street have much more interesting lives. Especially when SWAT shows up.
25. Walk, wherever you’re walking, without staring at, using, or listening to your phone.
I stick it on my head and try not to let it drop.
26. Don’t buy “cool” shoes like UGGS or TOMS because they are written in all caps, and very popular.
They’re cool?
27. Be a part of the human journey.
As long as it’s on another planet.
